I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
