So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
