Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
