I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
