I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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