my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
