Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
