I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
