is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
