What a fucking waste of an outfit
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
