just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
