I'm drive I can fine osifer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
