Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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