I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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