Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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