I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
