Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
