You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
