We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
