So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
