Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
