I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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