you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
