I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
