all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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