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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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