On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
