that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
