You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
