Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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