It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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