my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
