I met the friendliest cop last night
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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