i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
