You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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