god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
