They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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