The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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