I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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