susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
