We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
