omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
