I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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