you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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