he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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