you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
