she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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