If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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