my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
