before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
