The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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