I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've blown a few things in my day
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
