Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
