I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
