Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
