theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have post one night stand depression
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