the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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