I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
worst night to have a conscience
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
