I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
