Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
